Just Me Being Me

Well I haven't posted a blog in a couple weeks. Its mainly because I find that I'm not sure what to write about. There are so many things that I'd like to say, but I'm unsure that I want people to know. I'm SO fickle, even though the reason behind starting this blog was to let all my emotions out and put them down on "paper". But not I'm not so sure I want people to know how I'm feeling or what I have been thinking lately. Well here goes nothing I suppose.


Not to long ago I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. I was SO extremely happy for her because they had been trying for such a long time. I thought that I would be SO jealous but as it turns out I felt nothing but happiness for her and her husband. But I have been feeling a little guilty because I want so badly to be pregnant again. Don't get me wrong I love Sebastian and I am enjoying the time with him. I would just like to have more kids and a bigger family. Although I have been wanting this ( which is why i feel guilty wanting another child even though I already have one) I find that telling people about wanting another baby is hard.

When someone brings it up i get very embarrassed and a little ticked because well I don't like being asked when I'm gonna have another baby. I know its stupid and I should just be quite but its frustrating when Ron and I have been trying and still nothing has happened. I don't know why i feel disappointed when i already have a child but well.....I'm two weeks late on my period right now. Last week I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative. I was SO bummed and so was Ron. But now that another week has passed with no period in sight we decided to buy another pregnancy test. Now its just sitting in front of me taunting me lol. I want to take it but I'm afraid it will just be negative.

If it is negative again I don't know what we will do, because at that point we then have to find out why I'm not having a period. I think I'm just gonna let this dang thing taunt me a little more before i take it. I think i was less nervous when i took the pregnancy test to find out i was pregnant with Sebastian.lol


four hours later....

took the pregnancy test...it was negative....now im just worried about what might be wrong with my body...

Toys

The other day Sebastian was going through his toy box and just kept pulling toy after toy after toy out. Finally when all the toys were out and about he looked up and said something in his baby language. Not sure what he said exactly but who would know but him? After he was done speaking he went over to the Wii and picked up the microphone that goes to the American Idol game. He then started dragging it around the living room singing his baby babble into it and then would precede to bring the mic over to me so i could then sing into it. He would laugh when i would sing and then put the mic back up to my mouth. This went on for about an hour.

Out ALL the tons of toys he has he picks one that isn't a toy and isn't his to play with.


That is all!!!!

Friends

I miss my friends......Sigh!!!


All I do lately is work work work and then come home. I'm so frustrated with the way our life is going. I know that I need to just hang in there, but i keep praying that my friends will find time to hang out. May be I'm just not praying the right way lol. Hmmm there is no wrong or right way to to pray though lol.

I keep seeing all these darn facebook posts. "I had the best girls night out".."hanging with the girls was awesome" "my girlfriends love me" blah blah blah. Am I just not likeable or hangeable lol is that even a word? I know I know I'm whining lol bleh on you who read this.

I'm just feelin sorry for myself and i think i have every reason to. I don't really ever get invited to anything and normally Ron and i don't do stuff with other couples because we just don't feel like people really care about doing anything with us. Besides we do truly enjoy one another's company.

Okay I'm done whining!

Wishfull Thinking

Lately I have been thinking more and more of being married to Ron. Yes we have been engaged for almost two years now acutally a little more than that lol. Yet we are unable to get married because I have yet to divorce my ex Kevin.

It is SO expensive to divorce someone in California. Its $325, by now im sure more than that, and I really don't have the funds to do it at the moment. How ever that doesn't mean I don't find myself at work staring off into space every now and again dreaming of the perfect wedding.

I think the first thing that most girls day dream about is the dress. Should I get sleevless?

Should i get strapless? Should I get a poofy dress? All these questions I have asked myself. I constantly am going on to Davids Bridal to enter their contest to win a free wedding dress in the hopes that I will win lol.

I think the other thing to think about is hairstyles. Should I wear it up, down, swooped?? So many decisions. What about color and scheme. How much do we wanna pay and how many people do we want there?

So many decisions to make all i can do for right now until i have the money to get divorced is dream..

The Joys of Being a Step Mother

So its court ordered that the kids come over on Mondays and Tuesdays from 3:30 to 7:30. How ever this is at the whim of their horrible mother who doesn't want Ron in their lives and has asked him several times to relinquish his parental rights. (I know B#$%^)

So we have had problems basically the whole 3 years Ron and I have been together. She has on more than one occasion put the kids in the middle of arguments that she starts just to make Ron say fine i give up. I have tried to get him to petition for more rights but its hard to get him to do that because he fears how she will treat the kids. Usually when something doesn't go the way she wants it she truly takes it out on Mark the oldest of the two.

Tomorrow is Marks birthday and a couple of months ago Ron and Mark happen to be watching TV when a commercial came on for six flags and Ron thought it would be a great present for a 13 year old to have his friend and us go to six flags. So Ron runs this by his ex a couple days ago to see if it would okay for us to take him in a few weeks she said no that it would be more for Ron than for Mark.

By the way this lady really ticks me off and I have to restrain myself every day from ( okay i need to pray on this right now so I'm gonna take a small break ) .....

Okay she really makes me sad because she uses the kids to get back at Ron every single situation that she possibly can and doesn't want the kids to have a relationship with Ron what she doesn't realize is in the end the kids will despise her and only want to be around Ron but its SO frustrating to see someone you love in so much pain because an ex wont let you have as much time with the kids as you would like all because she wants the oldest to babysit her new born baby with a new man.

Story of my life part two

I should also mention that right before Kevin and I got together my brother Jimmy had passed away in a terrible accident.

So after Kevin and I didn't work out I started working and not really thinking about much else just work. Every now and again i would go to the local library and get on the computer. While looking over my myspace I decided to do a search of single men in my area. I was tired of just doing nothing but work and needed to have some couple time. Not just sex either but really get with someone and BE with them. I ended up finding this really nice guy named Johnny. After dating for a couple of months we decide to move in with one another. Things didn't go well after that. Once we moved in things took a slide downward. I knew that he smoked pot and although I didn't agree with it I just left it alone and let him do what ever. Soon after I found out he started doing meth and that's when he would get extremely moody and very violent not physically but emotionally. After 8 months he cheated on me with an 18 year old and i asked him to leave. I was very depressed and felt even more alone than ever before and once again i focused on work. I spent many hours of overtime which was good on my pay check. During the time I was with Johnny one great awesome thing came out of it and that was meeting Suzie who is one of my good friends now and no longer is friends with Johnny.

So about a month and a half goes by and I end up meeting this guy named Chris by chance and we date for about 2 months. Things didn't go very far with him for one it just didn't seem like he wanted the same things in life that i did. So after Chris I felt that I didn't need a man and I just stopped looking and said I'M DONE I have had enough. If I'm supposed to fall in love then I will when its right and with the right person. I do believe with in about a month or two my friend Erin (who is an ex friend now) told me that she thought her ex hubby would be a good match for me. For two weeks i kept telling her I'm not interested and that he wasn't a good person after all the stuff she told me about him and if he wasn't good enough for her why in the heck would he be good enough for me? She kept telling me you have to meet him you have to meet him I told her no I didn't want to. So she asked if I would call him I told her no if he wants to talk then he can call me and I gave her my phone number to give to him. I said I'm done chasing guys I deserve to be chased for once. So a couple days go by and I get a call (and not on a good day either) from Ron. I was in such a bad mood and really didn't feel like talking but i took the call anyway and let him chatter away and I asked questions and such and ended up having a good talk about an hour latter I asked if i could just call him the next day because i just was in such a bad mood he asked about what and i told him he said sure that's fine i understand. Six weeks of talking on the phone and I kept telling him I still don't want to meet you just yet I'm just not ready. I informed him that i loved talking with him on the phone i just wasn't sure if i was ready for it to go farther than that.

One night I was talking to Erin and she said I'm right around the corner can i stop by I said sure. She asked if i wanted to meet Ron and i said no she was like well i have him in my car. So i told her again i really didn't want to meet him and that if she pulled in my driveway that i wouldn't come out of my house he ended up getting out a block down the road as a courtesy to me while she stopped by my house.

Several days later i was thinking about going out to get some dinner and called him up and asked if he wanted to join me i informed him i was getting sub way and i would like his company he said yes but that he couldn't afford to pay for mine i told him that was fine we would go dutch lol. Our first date was eating subway in my studio apartment while watching TV and talking.

He ended up spending the night and ever since that fateful date June 9Th, 2007 we have only spent a handful of nights away from one another. I loved him from the moment that i saw him and he says he loved me from the moment we talked on the phone. Three years later after living in two studio apartments we finally have a house of our own and a beautiful baby boy who is 18 months old. I couldn't be happier. To top it off he is a Christian and although it wasn't just him who got me back into being a christian ( thank you Mona!!!) he was a big part of the reason why i went back to church. Now I love god instead of hating him for taking my brother from me to early. I love my family and my friends above all I found that I love myself as well. I couldn't say that three years ago.

Story of my life in a not so short nut shell. ( warning there is some graphic language)

My name is Jessica Renee Ward. I live in Red Bluff. I have a wonderful fiance a sweet baby boy and two wonderful step children. I live in a modest home with everything that I need to get by, I even have a pool. But the most curious part is how i got to where i am now. So let me tell you about ME. =)


I was born November 22, 1983 in Susanville, Ca. I was 7lbs 5 oz if i remember my mother telling me correctly lol. I think i was 20 inches. (Of course the first few years of my life i only know about through my mother) After I was born my biological father tried to steal me out of the hospital to show his then girlfriend even though he was married to my mom.

I really don't' want to go into the years that my mom told me about because there really isn't a lot. I was a baby after all and don't remember lol. So lets jump from being a baby to being 9 years old. Living in Red Bluff with my mother my step dad tony my sister Erica and two brothers Jimmy and Keith. We lived in apartments on Sacramento st and I went to Jackson Heights School. My mother during these years (as i remember) was a great mom she was loving caring and strict like a good mom should be. One day while we were out in the front of the apartments playing in the front yard in the sprinkler my mother went inside with one of the boys and told me to stay right there and not leave. Low and behold a neighbor came out of his home and asked me to come over to his apartment he said he had some type of new peanut butter that he would like for me to try. (its a little hard to remember exact details as i was nine when this happened) So being a kid that liked peanut butter ( and i mean really liked it ) and the fact that i knew this neighbor and so did my mother and i played with his granddaughter i went over to his apartment. He gave me a spoonful of peanut butter and I told him that i couldn't stay inside his home so he took one of his dinning room chairs and placed it outside and that's where i sat eating the peanut butter. While sitting there he came out and asked if i was liking it and I told him that i was that was when he looked down ( by the way I'm in a bathing suit and that's it because like i said we were playing in the sprinkler) and said oh that's a heat rash does it hurt and he put his hand on the inside of my thigh at that point he moved is hand up my thigh and touched me in my most intimate place. I was shocked and puzzled at what he was doing. Right then my grandparents pulled up and i almost yelled my grandparents are here i need to go. I sat through my grandparents visit and then after they left i told my mom.

My mom called the cops they came out and questioned me i was soo scared that i lied about why i had went over there and how i got over there. We went to court we lost because i lied and he got away with it and i know for sure he was doing the same thing and may be more with his granddaughter because she told me that he did. We ended up moving. During this time though I was friends with Mona, Maria, Alex, and Sam. We did a lot of hanging out because our mothers were good Friends

So we moved over to garden ave in red bluff which is by the high school. Living there wasn't too bad got to go to a new school meet new people. While living there i endured abuse from my step dad. He would force me to eat foods that i found gross and just food that you can't eat because the taste makes you want to vomit. The worst for me is cooked spinach by itself and also eggs that are fried with the yolks still runny. It just grosses me out. He would force me to eat these things because i didn't like them and if i threw them up he would force me to eat my throw up. If i took to long to eat he would get thick rubber bands and pull them back as far as he could and would let them fly and hit me. He would get my sister ( not sure if she remembers this ) to hit and fight with me when i didn't want to, this lasted for several years.

My mom finally divorced Tony just to get with Dave and we moved again to Gerber. After i started going to Gerber school things seem to be looking up i enjoyed school even though i was a bigger girl than most and got teased. I didn't get teased as much as some so i guess that was good. What kid doesn't get teased right?

Graduate 8Th grade =) Head off to High School.

In High School i still get teased a little worse but still not as bad as some. I meet a small group of friends that i hang out with.Megan, only because she moved to Gerber during my sophomore year and so we became almost best friends outside of school. But during my first three years i met Ronni, Holly, Ruby, Sean, Scott, Jennifer, etc.. We all become good friends and the first three years i spent hanging out with them and trying to be a good student. Played clarinet in the band. During the end of my Junior year right before summer break I met John.....

John was a 21 year old cowboy ( at that time i was a cowgirl ) He was sexy even though he wasn't good looking. Not sure how that makes since. HEY i was 16 at the time lol. Ronni and I became best friends and hung out ALL the time and her boyfriend Chris was Johns good friend so we would all hang out. John would hit on me kiss me and things but never go too far. Then one day my mother left the house with everyone else. I was home ALONE. I called john and asked him to come over. I lost my virginity in the back of my house in his truck ( i don't regret it but its not the best way to loose your virginity because i pulled my bicep muscle in the process)

Before this happened i guess i thought that loosing my virginity would make me feel more like a woman but to be honest all it did was make me sore =) so john kept hanging around after that and I started to crave him and us being intimate together. He would come over and charm my mom and be affectionate to me and for my 17 Th birthday even though i was grounded because i snuck john into my room two nights in a row and got caught she still let him come over and when he did he brought me a white rose and said he was gonna cook for me. It was very sweet. I fell in love with him and at the time didn't realize that love would always be there and i would and still do care for him but just not in the way i used to.

All of a sudden john leaves my life stops calling or coming over just stops. I'm sad depressed and feel alone because i am. At school during my senior year i become a loner and hang out in the library on the computer chatting and checking email and things of the that nature. I could have cared less about school I wanted love.

I graduate high school =) my mother throws me a surprise graduation party with friends who had moved away. It was a wonderful time in my life. I decide to move out and live with a new boyfriend and his mom. that didn't last AT ALL. Went back and lived at my moms house and started looking for a job. Ahh i found one working at the local grocery store as a courtesy clerk. and then i found another job working at Blue Shield. I worked both jobs for 2 months until i got laid off from the courtesy clerk job. I would work at Blue shield for three years. During that time I would go into a downward spiral. I wasn't a very good person during this time cuz i moved out of my moms house and lived on my own for six months and then lived with a roommate. During that time i would meet up with guys i met online and have sex i didn't care who they were or were they were from as long as they were good looking i wasn't wanting a relationship i just wanted to sex. During this time I was still working at Blue Shield one day i came home and had extremely bad pain in my mouth went to the dentist and found that i had an infection and needed a root canal but i needed antibiotics and so he gave me pain medicine. (vicodine) this is when i got addicted to pills.

thankfully i knew i was addicted and didn't want to end up like my mom and how she is an alcoholic so i ended up throwing the pills away. In this period of time i was living in Los Molinos then i moved into red bluff and i met Kevin (on line) and two weeks after being "together" we went to Reno and got married (stupidest thing ever) I'm still married to him and having issues getting a divorce because its to freaking expensive. And no i don't qualify for any special programs. Once married we moved into Chico and lived with his parents I ended up loosing my job with Blue Shield ( Cuz i was an idiot) So with no job and no money I stayed with Kevin for about 4-5 months. Then he got hooked on meth we got into a huge fight and i left. even though i loved him I wasn't going to stay around someone like that. So i came back to my moms and she told me that i would be better if i lived somewhere else so she called up her friend and i moved out to Rancho Tehama. thankfully that only lasted several months before my friend Tammy told me she got a place. So i ended up getting a job working at Green Waste I was working for a couple of months and then moved back to Red Bluff and in with Tammy.Kevin and I tried to work on things but it just wasn't meant to be.........

Sorry that this has been kinda all over the place its how i write =p I will finish the story at another time.

Bummed

Today I had to cancel something that I really didn't want to, my cake tasting. I had been looking forward to doing this for sometime and had just got the courage to do it. I love baking its a passion of mine that I'm actually good at. So i have been baking and making cakes for several months and selling them. After selling my first one I thought goodness this would be a great business. So I started up a Facebook and started posting pics of the cakes I have done. I even went out and started buying all the things you need to make cakes.

So while making my cakes, on the side, a friend asked us to host a Pampered Chef party. I thought "wow this would be a great time to do the cake tasting". So I scheduled the Pampered Chef party and then the Cake Tasting to be right after. I did all the invites and did an event on Facebook to invite everyone and to set up a reminder as well. When ever you set up an event it asks people to respond to it with either Yes- Attendening Maybe-Unsure Declined-Not Attending. Well I got sooooo many more Maybes and so decided I couldn't possibly have the Cake Tasting on the HOPE that someone would show up so I cancelled it. I'm just happy that I didn't make the cake I was gonna give away. Other wise we would have had a big cake for our family to eat. I'm not gonna give up though I'm still gonna bake and try and sell all my goodies but its just hard to get people to buy stuff number one in this economy and number two during the summer months trying to get people to buy cookies and cake.