Just Me Being Me

Well I haven't posted a blog in a couple weeks. Its mainly because I find that I'm not sure what to write about. There are so many things that I'd like to say, but I'm unsure that I want people to know. I'm SO fickle, even though the reason behind starting this blog was to let all my emotions out and put them down on "paper". But not I'm not so sure I want people to know how I'm feeling or what I have been thinking lately. Well here goes nothing I suppose.


Not to long ago I found out that a friend of mine is pregnant. I was SO extremely happy for her because they had been trying for such a long time. I thought that I would be SO jealous but as it turns out I felt nothing but happiness for her and her husband. But I have been feeling a little guilty because I want so badly to be pregnant again. Don't get me wrong I love Sebastian and I am enjoying the time with him. I would just like to have more kids and a bigger family. Although I have been wanting this ( which is why i feel guilty wanting another child even though I already have one) I find that telling people about wanting another baby is hard.

When someone brings it up i get very embarrassed and a little ticked because well I don't like being asked when I'm gonna have another baby. I know its stupid and I should just be quite but its frustrating when Ron and I have been trying and still nothing has happened. I don't know why i feel disappointed when i already have a child but well.....I'm two weeks late on my period right now. Last week I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative. I was SO bummed and so was Ron. But now that another week has passed with no period in sight we decided to buy another pregnancy test. Now its just sitting in front of me taunting me lol. I want to take it but I'm afraid it will just be negative.

If it is negative again I don't know what we will do, because at that point we then have to find out why I'm not having a period. I think I'm just gonna let this dang thing taunt me a little more before i take it. I think i was less nervous when i took the pregnancy test to find out i was pregnant with Sebastian.lol


four hours later....

took the pregnancy test...it was negative....now im just worried about what might be wrong with my body...